Wednesday Freezing rain and sleet before 3pm, then a chance of snow and freezing rain. High near 32. Northeast wind 10 to 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New ice accumulation of 0.1 to 0.3 of an inch possible. New snow and sleet accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible. You will find yourself chuckling at things that are objectively unfunny. You will be a little bothered by this, and make a note to talk about it with your mental health professional, but your appointment will be canceled because of the weather.
Wednesday Night A slight chance of snow before midnight. A slight chance of snow after midnight. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 25. North wind around 14 mph. Chance of precipitation is supposedly 20%, but who are we kidding, if it can snow, it will snow. It will continue to snow forever. You feel angry most of the time but you don’t think you have the energy to act on it anymore.
Thursday High near 31. West wind 9 to 13 mph and a brief appearance of sun that will serve mostly to raise what few hopes you have remaining, only to dash them to the cold, hard ground when darkening skies are followed by a snow so fierce that it blots out what little light there is left. The animals will stop making noises, and the only sounds you will hear are car alarms and the plaintive cries of elderly men who are trapped in the mounting, impermeable snow.
Thursday Night Partly cloudy, with a low around 17. You will probably not notice the snow because by now your brain will have assimilated it as permanent background, but boy will it ever be there, falling, falling, falling. Your hands are placed instinctively on your head, and every few moments you utter the word “why” in a voice that is frightening in its intensity.
Friday Partly cloudy, with a high near 32. Remember when the children used to smile? Now if you see a child outdoors—an event that has become rare enough that you will try to remember to tell someone else about it later, but of course you’ll forget because your only memory now is a dull, gray mass mirroring the ground on which you walk—its looks back at you with an impassive stare and a disturbing countenance that makes you fear for your safety.
Friday Night Mostly cloudy, with a low around 20. Giant icicles will plummet from the sky at random and unpredictable intervals, but they only stoke the envy of those who are not struck by them and must continue to live on through this perpetual season of darkness.
Saturday Dank. Cold. Snow. The longing for death will be difficult to deny.
Saturday Night Fully cloudy, with a low around 25. You will watch “Saturday Night Live” for the first time in years, because you have pretty much given up on everything.
Sunday A chance of snow. Fully cloudy, with a high near 34. Chance of precipitation is 50%. When you hear the maniacal laughter now you don’t even stop to wonder if it is coming from you or from someone nearby.
Sunday Night A chance of snow. Fully cloudy, with a low around 24. Chance of precipitation is 50%. Chance of your lying in your bed, the tears pooling around your eyes and face and dripping down your ears into your neck as you sob softly about something you cannot even identify anymore is 100%.
Monday A chance of snow. Today you will see the sun and briefly remember what your life was like when it still had hope in it. Then the clouds will come to confirm that it’s all a sick, slow slog to the cemetery and even if it is ever spring again it will be too late for you because you have seen the winter in your soul and you know that what you are carrying around inside you is wrong and ugly and irredeemable. You will live out whatever days remain to you but you will no longer be able to pretend that anything will ever be okay or even slightly less full of anguish. The darkness descends and will not lift until you are finally in the ground, and you don’t deserve anything better.
Monday Night You can’t cry anymore. You try, but you can’t.
Tuesday Mostly sunny, with a high near 34. North wind 3 to 5 mph.