Chaely Sleeps Forever

theblackcat:

“i can’t compete with all your damn ideas

and this isn’t working out for you and me

the truth is i’m too tired to play pretend

this is goodbye this is the end”

“last night” motion city soundtrack

i’ve been dealing with the end of a friendship for a little over a year now.  i don’t know why, but this song came on randomly today, and it made me feel pretty content with the situation.

I’m proud of you for making your happiness and sanity a priority. Tomorrow let’s have a toast to the awesome people in our lives who make toxic friendships completely unnecessary.

tsexrex:

it has been 7 years since the last time that i saw my mother alive.  7 years ago on this day my mother passed away.  what that means today, is that i have lived more than 1/4 of my life without her.  this is actually a difficult idea to wrap my head around.  that doesn’t seem rational.

when my mother passed away, i was 2 1/2 months into my freshman year of college.  i was steadily studying for my first trip through finals.  i was forming life-long relationships with friends.  i was ‘finding myself.’ i was finding my voice as a songwriter, and my ability to contribute to the song-writing process.  i was enjoying all of the good-hearted virtues of college life.  i was getting actively involved in clubs and organizations.  i had left my past of playing music in clubs, drinking all night, smoking cigarettes all night long, etc. behind me.  i had given that life up.  i was serious about getting serious.  i was going to class and getting good grades.  my mid-term grades read like this AAAAA. 

then…

i missed the two weeks of classes before finals.  i never studied for finals.  i simply sat in a friend’s dorm room listening to something corporate and playing mario three.  i took my finals, as best i could.  i tried to study, but it was useless.  i was lucky that i had done so well early on, because if not, i would’ve failed every class.  i failed every one of my finals.  no one gave me a break.  no one seemed to understand. 

when i lost my mother, i lost my best friend.  i talked to her everyday.  she went ‘on the road’ as a consultant when i was 15 and lived all over the county.  so i was used to her not being around physically, but i talked to her everyday when she was on the road.  i visited her in akron, OH, pontiac, MI, Wayne, NJ, Syracuse, NY, Miami, FL, etc. 

the weekend before she died, i went home from grand rapids to detroit.  i went home simply for a friend of mine’s child’s birthday party.  this is not normally a reason to drive three hours.  i could’ve simply sent a card.  instead i went home to attend this young child’s birthday party.  when i got home, i was surprised to see my mother at home. 

i arrived on a friday afternoon.  the party was on saturday.  i spent friday night watching a red wings game with my parents.  it felt like old times.  i retired upstairs to bed early to allow my parents some free time of their own.  the next day i woke up and my parents treated me to a lovely breakfast at our favorite breakfast spot, momma’s kitchen in trenton, mi.  after i went to my friend’s kid’s birthday party, my mother and i decided to go see a movie.  in a bizarre turn of events my mother suggested that we go see 8mile.  she had an odd admiration for eminem ever since she had heard the song ‘cleaning out my closet’ where he romanticizes killing his mother.  she, and her siblings, had an interesting upbringing that included a certifiably insane mother that actually committed suicide and in her own head had fired gun shots that had killed each one of her children and her lone grandson at the time, my cousin ron, before turning the gun on herself.  she wanted to go see this movie.  we had a great time, sneaking in our favorite movie snacks and drinks, and even though i cringed during the sex scene the movie experience was an overall success.  i had a great time.  she had a great time.  it took us both back to the ‘old days,’ when we would go see movies together and usually laugh about how bad they were. everything was great when we got home.  i kissed her goodnight and went upstairs as i had done thousands of times before.  the following morning i awoke early.  i had a commitment early that sunday.  i grabbed an individual sized orange juice bottle and was on my way by 9:00am.  i kissed her goodbye, told her i loved her, and walked out my front door. 

the following morning, on her way to the doctor’s office to figure out what the problems she was facing were, she died at our bathroom sink, while putting in her contacts.  a mere 20 some hours since i had last scene her. 

i was walking through the student union area of my college, when i saw my father and my cousin standing there looking for me.  through tears they told me the news.  that was the loneliest 3 hour car ride that has ever happened.

tomorrow i have decided to  post 7 good memories of my mother.  1 for every year she has been gone.  even the people that know me irl only know that i i love her.  most of them do not know why.  my goal tomorrow, is to show everyone why.

That’s really sad. And really wonderful. And really sweet and very beautiful.

Tommy has one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known.